Is heart-brokening being abandoned.
Whitened skin, dreading blood.
Even more terrifying is
Accepting the reality.
Tearing down the love mostly treasured,
Burying that fiery part of yourself
“To lie with my hands turned up and be utterly empty.
How free it is, you have no idea how free –“
Whispering into my wicked bones, like fairy slips through lichen and moss.
Lie on the floor awaiting to be taken,
I smiled as if this corps would be still for ever.
How free it is, I know exactly.
Yet I miss the excitement of the spring earth,
That chill of a summer refrigerator,
Calling me is the voice of a country singer.
Now that I think,
Even the odor from the back alley of Parc Avenue is somehow familiar. Not only that,
I wonder what it feels like when my son pees on my arm,
How painful it would be, to see my daughter falling on the ground,
How wonderful it is, to see an enfant growing into an adult.
And I want especially,
To hear you read Tulips to me,
So much joy awaiting,
So many miracles pounding.
That I have to wake up, into this dreamy reality.
I thought it would be the last fall,
Like what they said, the war that ends all the wars,
Or, in Francis’ terms, the end of the history,
I really thought so,
Until you broke it down.
Now I’m scared,
What if it is the last fall?
During those fleeting days you were the majourity of my life,
I breathed you, I touched you,
I sensed you, I sniffed you, I thought about you,
I imagined you, I lived in you,
I desire you, I was with you.
Now you are my entire past.
Entirely, you defines me.
Gabriel García Márquez might teeter on the tip of your tongue,
Your legs might become too stiff that walking together in a quite forest would be luxury,
Your wrinkles would proliferate as the memories carve into your beautiful body,
Your illed body would be too clumsy that I have to grab and lay it down on bed every night when I’m at home,
Life will demand us to pay the due and the obstacles would sabotage our happiness.
Or that might be me,
I will look at you and all the memories will come up and I will smile deeply so intensively recalling all the moments the reasons we fall in love the aroma of your hair the texture of your skin your body hair your existence and I would feel that love is always there and I just can’t stop loving you and I’m still deeply in love with you and all the dreams the fantasies the desire and the hope
If you stay
I sincerely am not even trying to write good poems or proses as a mean to express if any, of my inner self. What I am trying is merely to take note of my thought, my suffering, my existence, and wish that years to come I have a realistic account of what happened to me, at this very moment. I thought about naming this blog “Look what love did to me”, as an honest demonstration of exposure, of myself being able to display the most vulnerable part of me, or a way to process my growth in a therapeutic way. However, I realized it will, as the original intention is to process the lose, one day not about a lost relationship anymore, so I decided to use the name “the fleeting moments” to suggest a possible future focus.
That doesn’t mean, however, this is currently anyhow about self-pity, digital mourning, or public bereaving.
I just want the words that I wrote precisely reflect the flows of my inner dialog, maybe depressed, or maybe angry or even joyful. I have no idea, as she always said, we will see the story unfold.
That people drown their sorrows.
How crazy is that?
I’ve already drown in my own sorrow.